


The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead: Unsuitable Behavior

by ArtemisRae



Series: Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead [5]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Drunkenness, Gen, Humor, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-14
Updated: 2006-11-14
Packaged: 2017-10-03 19:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisRae/pseuds/ArtemisRae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toph and Sokka decide Zuko needs a break and get far more than they bargained for. (Or: Who knew the Fire Lord was such a surly drunk?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead: Unsuitable Behavior

* * *

"This is ridiculous," Zuko grumbled, drawing his cloak tighter around his shoulders.

"Shut it," Sokka snapped, reaching up and drawing Zuko's hood over his face.

"Seriously, Zuko," Toph picked up, flanking his other side. "We aren't taking you out so you can whine at us some more. This is for your own good."

"I do not _whine_!" Zuko snapped. "And where are you taking me anyway?"

Sokka's gaze slid over him to the younger girl. "Where _are_ you taking us, Toph? I thought we'd go to the Cranky Dragon."

Toph waved her hand impatiently. "I thought we'd give Mitai a break after last night-"

"What did you do last night?" Zuko interrupted.

Sokka leaned in close. "You didn't get any sort of report, or notice about us this morning?"

Zuko shook his head.

"Then the charges have been dropped and you probably don't want to know." Sokka shrugged.

Zuko's eyes narrowed, and just as he was about to demand more answers, Toph abruptly stopped and announced that they had arrived. Sokka and Zuko gaped.

The tiny building they had stopped in front of was dirty looking and rather dilapidated. A cracked wooden sign that had once born words (now long worn away) rocked half-heartedly above them, and from inside the building there was raucous noise: music and laughter.

"Toph, how did you find this place?" asked Sokka, glancing at the dingy windows and the muddy ground that surrounded them.

"Huh? Oh it's just this place I heard about," Toph said absently, leading them into the doorway.

"Toph," Sokka said heatedly, "What kind of person wants to spend any time here?"

"Hey everybody!" a voice called out. "Toph's back!" The bar exploded with various greetings.

"Toph!"

"Hey! It's Toph!"

"Hey, we've been waiting for you!"

Sokka and Zuko shot her identical looks of disbelief. Toph, to her credit, blushed faintly and rubbed the back of her head.

"First round's on me?" she asked weakly.

* * *

"You both," Zuko had declared much later after a number of drinks, "are both on to something here."

"Are we?" Toph had asked.

The three of them were huddled up in the corner – Toph was trying to avoid her "fans," Zuko was trying not to broadcast the fact that he was Fire Lord, and Sokka was watching suspiciously for anyone trying to approach Toph.

"Yes!" Zuko insisted, slamming his hand onto the table. "You are! You two don't worry about _anything_! I have to worry about _everything_ that happens here!"

"Well," Sokka scratched his head. "It's not like there aren't perks."

"Oh yeah," Zuko nodded heavily. "Definite perks. Tons of perks. I never forget my wife's birthday, because I have someone to remember that for me. Perks, Sokka."

A ruckus rose from the bar. Sokka and Toph continued their conversation, but Zuko's attention was instantly captured.

"What are they doing?" he asked, leaning forward.

Toph shrugged. "Sounds like they're singing." She made as if to continue with their conversation, but was interrupted by Zuko rising from his seat, drink in hand, and lunging towards the bar and the singing patrons.

"What is he doing?" she asked Sokka, eyebrows creased.

"He's… singing. Trying to," Sokka informed her, watching the scene unfold with a combination of horror and amusement.

The Fire Lord, normally withdrawn and dignified, approached the group of singing men with his mug held out, almost as an offering. In response, the leader of the singing clapped Zuko hard on the back – knocking him off balance – before throwing an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into the little group.

_ "To go and fight the foe, and I got no more of the sisters four…"_ The garbled words floated back to the table. Toph let out a laugh, but Sokka stiffened.

"He better be careful," he muttered to Toph. "His hood is going to fall back."

_"Three for the man who will stand his round, and four for the love of you, me girl! _" The singing group was swaying back and forth now. Zuko was making up for not knowing all the words by singing what words he _did_ know loudly. _ "Four for the love of you…"_ The song successfully completed, Zuko threw his head back and tipped his glass with it, intending to finish the drink.

Sokka yelped and leaped from his chair, hitting the table and knocking Toph's drink over. "Hey!" She jumped up, hitting the table and causing it to fall back with a crash. Sokka was already half way across the room, but it was too late.

Zuko's hood slipped back, exposing him as the Fire Lord.

The entire room went silent. People stopped drinking, music stopped playing fights were instantly interrupted. All activity ceased.

Zuko looked around, confused. "What'sh matter?"

Toph bolted, joining Sokka and taking the arm that Sokka wasn't clutching.

"Well, _I_ think Lord Zuko needs some fresh air, don't you Zuko?"

She and Sokka dragged the protesting Zuko from the bar ("Hey? HEY!"), leaving a utter silence behind them.

"The Cranky Dragon?" Sokka asked, talking over the complaining Fire Lord.

"Spirits yes." Toph rolled her eyes, panting in the humid summer air. "Forget Mitai. I'm not nearly drunk enough to deal with this yet."

"Will you _let me go please? _" Zuko demanded hotly, leaning hard into Toph.

* * *

"Shut up and deal!" Sokka announced loudly, glaring at the younger gentleman currently holding the deck of cards.

"Who's your friend?" he asked, ignoring Sokka's request and gesturing at Zuko, who was sulking in the corner after a stern lecture with his hood back up over his eyes. "I've never seen him before."

"Deal. The cards." Zuko said warningly from under hid hood.

Next to Sokka, Toph narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. "Will you just deal!"

He gave Zuko another suspicious look and reluctantly began to deal. The other member at their table – an older, retired soldier, gave Toph a hard clap on the back. "Wasn't sure we'd see you back in here again after last night!"

"I can't believe you're still _allowed_ in here," the dealer said, shooting her and Sokka dark looks.

"Please." Toph shrugged and then leaned forward as if to look at Sokka's cards. She couldn't see them – and Sokka knew that – but it always seemed to make the other players nervous, so she continued the practice. "His business has tripled since Sokka and I started drinking here. That's worth paying to replace some tables and chairs once in a while."

"And that, my dear," the man said, signaling the waitress, "is worth another round of drinks."

Just as the waitress came by with a large tray of mugs, there was a sudden exclamation from Zuko's corner.

"There is no way!" he exclaimed, throwing his cards down. "You have to be cheating!"

"I never!" the dealer yelled right back, arms reaching out to take the pot.

"What were you doing?" Zuko continued, leaning closer and poking the dealer hard in the shoulder. "Stacking the deck? You slipping cards from up your sleeve?"

He made as if to grab at the dealer's tunic, but he jumped from his seat and easily fell into a fighting stance.

"Uh, Sokka?" Toph pulled at Sokka's arm. "You might want to do something."

Sokka stood up and crossed his arms. "Are you calling my friend a _liar_?"

"Sokka!"

"My friend," Sokka said calmly, "does not lie. _Were_ you cheating?"

"This is not the something I wanted you to do!" Toph snapped, standing up and making to move between the two men who were right up in each other's face. "Listen, you can't win every single game Zu-"

Her words were cut off when the dealer pushed into Zuko, who stumbled back into the waitress, who promptly dumped her entire try of drinks on Toph.

For the second time that night, Zuko had managed to shock an entire bar into silence.

"Ohhh," Sokka said lamely.

The dealer pulled a handkerchief from his sleeve to hand to Toph, and with it fell out three cards.

"I _knew_ it!" Zuko hollered, and tackled the guilty man. Sokka didn't hesitate before jumping in after Zuko.

"Hey!" Toph yelled, trying to get their attention. "_I'm soaking wet over here! _"

Her cry went unheeded, and minutes later the doors to the bar burst open as the city watchmen spilled in, intent on breaking up the fight and arresting the miscreants.

Toph, thanks to her better-than-normal hearing, heard the creaking wheels of the paddy wagon pull up, and without hesitation slipped out the back door through the kitchens.

The second one of the watchmen grabbed Sokka by the shoulders. He slumped, having been through the process of being arrested a number of times and understanding, at this point, that it was in the interest of one's bodily health to simply be passive and let the watchmen do their duty.

Zuko, on the other hand, started fighting like a wet catowl.

"Take your hands off of me!" he insisted, trying to wrench his arms from the watchman's grip and wondering vaguely why they were so strong. "I'm the Fire Lord! You can't arrest me! Sokka, tell them!"

The watchmen laughed as they tossed him in the wagon, where he landed with a hard "oomph!" on top of Sokka.

"Buddy, with Sokka here it's a new Fire Lord every week."

* * *

"Hey Kazuo, I owe you five silver pieces."

A soft laugh stirred Sokka from a light doze. "I told you he would be back before midnight tonight. Put them both in his usual cell."

The ties around Sokka's wrists were undone, and he reached up and rubbed his eyes. The jailer gave him a small wave from behind the bars.

"Hey Kazuo," Sokka greeted blearily.

"Good evening Sokka."

He looked around, though there wasn't much to see. He was, indeed, back in his usual cell – once, he had remarked drunkenly that he preferred this cell because it didn't smell as bad as the other one, which had the outhouse right outside the window, and from then on Kazuo had made it a point to keep it open for him when he was brought in. On his left, Zuko could be heard snoring loudly, head tilted against his shoulder at a terribly awkward angle.

"Where's Toph?" he asked. "You didn't put her in a different cell, did you?"

Kazuo pulled a chair up in front of his cell. "The Lady Bei Fong was not arrested with you tonight."

Sokka's jaw dropped. "She _left_ us?!"

"It appears so." Kazuo nodded, then, in an attempt to distract Sokka from his rage, pointed at the sleeping Fire Lord. "Who's your friend this week?"

"Oh," Sokka said in a bored tone, looking out the window. "Fire Lord Zuko."

Kazuo laughed. "Another imposter?"

Sokka shook his head. "Nope. Real one this time." He lifted Zuko's head from his shoulder and slipped the hood back, showing the jailer the scar on Zuko's eye.

Kazuo shrieked and jumped back, nearly tipping out of his chair. Then, righting himself, he fumbled for his keys. "I can't have the Fire Lord sitting in my jail! I could be executed!"

"Calm down." Sokka dismissed his concerns with the wave of a hand, and allowed still-sleeping Zuko's head to fall back against the wall. "He needs to sleep it off anyway. Toph will probably come pick us up later."

Toph did arrive to pick them up – many, many hours later than Sokka had expected. She showed up at the jail in a dark green cloak and fresh clothes, one hand on hip and another hand holding a small bag of gold coins for Kazuo.

"Where have you _been_?" Sokka exclaimed, jumping up and stalking up to the bars to meet her. "We've been here for _hours_."

"Oh I'm sorry!" Toph snapped, dropping his bail on the table and sidling up to face him. "I went back and took a nice long hot bath, because, you see," she suddenly reached through and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulling him hard and smashing his face against the bars, "I was covered in beer."

"Are we... blaming _me_ for that?" Sokka asked, eyebrows creased. "Because I'm pretty sure that was Zuko's fault."

Toph let him go and turned back to Kazuo. "There's a little bit extra in the bag for staying up with them tonight Kazuo. I appreciate it."

Kazuo nodded. "Not a problem, Lady Bei Fong." He pulled his keys out and unlocked the cell. "I trust you have a way home?"

"There's a carriage outside." Toph helped Sokka lift up the still-sleeping Zuko. "We can manage him from here."

The two of them carried the snoring Fire Lord out into the humid summer air. The carriage was waiting, but Zuko suddenly stirred and pulled away from them.

"What are you doing?" Toph pulled right back at him, trying to keep him on course, then heard the unmistakable sound of heaving, followed by a spattering sound and a cry of disgust from Sokka.

Toph just closed her eyes. "Promise me we will never take him out with us ever again."

Sokka grunted as he maneuvered Zuko up to the carriage. "Only if you promise to never speak of this night again."

From inside the carriage Zuko retched again.

* * *


End file.
